


All the Better to Bite You With

by St_Salieri



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: F/M, Humor, Post-Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-03-25
Updated: 2007-03-25
Packaged: 2017-11-25 07:18:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/636463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/St_Salieri/pseuds/St_Salieri
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Buffy learns more about <i>real vampire</i> fangs.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All the Better to Bite You With

 

"Buffy?"

"Hmmm?"

"Remote."

"Yeah."

"...as in, put down the book and give it to me? Please?"

"Uh huh, sure."

"Are you even listening to me?" Aggrieved sigh. "How about this: give me the remote and allow me to end my bloody misery, or else I eat one of your little Slayerettes."

"Okay, honey. Whatever." Pause. "Wait, what?" Looks up. "Wow, what are we even watching? Hey, can you change the channel?"

Low growl.

"What?"

Sigh. "Never mind. I'll just..."

"Hang on...is this _Interview With the Vampire_? Ooh! Never mind. We're staying right here."

"What? No! You expect me to sit here and watch some pathetic excuse for a creature of the night spend decades whining about his miserable existence? You can stake me first. If I wanted to see Anne Rice's wet dream, Angel's right downstairs."

Snicker. "Play nice, Spike. Until this new prophecy thing is sorted out, we need his help."

Heavy sigh. "Yeah, okay. Still, there's no reason to watch this trash."

Pout. "But...Brad Pitt!"

Snort. "Exactly. Oh, don't look at me like that, Slayer. You weren't even paying attention to the bloody show anyway. What are you so busy doing, anyway?"

"Ugh. Test tomorrow, and this professor is out for blood. I think she's part demon because, seriously, someone who dresses that badly is either evil or related to Principal Snyder. And she's too tall for that.

"Poor baby. You in the mood for a spot of violence?"

"Don't tempt me! I didn't get anything done after last night's patrol, and if I don't get some serious studying in tonight, I'm toast. So shush, and let me read and bask in the glow of the pretty boys on TV."

"What class is this? Oh wait, I don't care."

Scowl. "Shut up. It's 'Women in the Media'. I needed a social science."

"Yeah, I was right the first time. I don't care. And it seems to me it's really a 'Men in the Media' class, the way you're drooling at that bloody screen. I mean, honestly? Did you see those ridiculous frilly cuffs?"

Pout. "Aww, is someone jealous?" Seductive slither across the couch, followed by a bite to the ear and a husky whisper. "Don't worry, baby. They've got nothing on a real vampire."

Pleased grin. Growing erection. "Damn straight. Come here, you."

Groping hands. Loud smacking noises. Books forgotten on floor. Angel sticks his head in, rolls his eyes, and retreats unseen.

"Hey...wandering hands! None of that. I have to get back to studying. Oh, stick that lower lip back in. If I'm finished by ten, we might have some time to play." Flutter of eyelashes. "We can break out the handcuffs."

Erection ready to split the jeans.

"Hurry up, then. A man can't wait all night."

"Fine, let me just finish this chapter." Quick look sneaked at the TV. "Hey, I've always wondered something. How come fake vampires are so much prettier than the real thing?"

Erection completely gone.

"Hey!"

"Wait, I didn't mean it like that." Apologetic kiss. "I mean...where are the bumpies? And the teeth? In the movies they always have these really pretty teeth."

"Are you saying my teeth aren't pretty?"

Raised eyebrow. "Please, Spike. They're vamp teeth. I mean, as vamp teeth go they're a...a very attractive set, very...uh, strong, and..."

Growl. "Don't trip all over yourself trying to remove that foot from your mouth, Slayer."

"Oh, stop it. You know what I'm trying to say. Have you looked in a mirror lately?"

Snicker.

"Oh, shut up. Now you're just being difficult. Come on, let me see. Show me your real face."

"Fine." Mutters. "At least you're not looking at the bloody screen anymore."

Crow of triumph. "See? That's what I'm talking about. Now _that's_ a vamp, all jagged, bitey teeth and yellow eyes."

"Why Slayer, I'm touched. It's almost poetry."

Hard stare. "We could always lose the handcuffs."

"Right then. Shutting up."

"Good. So anyway, you didn't answer my question." Points at screen. "Why don't movie vamps look like you guys? How come they're all normal looking, just with the pale skin and extra-long incisors? I mean, come on. You couldn't kill anything with those wimpy teeth."

Heavy sigh. "Dracula."

"Where?!"

"I mean, it's all his fault. As usual."

"Hey, that's right! He wasn't all bumpy either! And when he bit me, he just left behind these two neat little holes, just like they do in the movies. Which is nothing like the way real vamps bite, by the way. I mean, have you seen the scar Angel left on me? He practically tore my throat out. Because with the jagged teeth...hey, why are you looking at me like that?"

"You're trying to kill the mood for the next, oh, century, aren't you?"

Wince. "Oh. Sorry."

"Right then. Well, memories of you exes aside..."

"Hey!"

"...Dracula's the reason we have those poncy buggers on the screen instead of the real thing. He was always a vain bastard, even as a human, the story goes. So about a hundred years ago, he got it into his head that he was better than the rest of us. Always was a pathetic excuse for a vampire, that one. He decided he needed something to set him apart from the rest of us common lot."

"What, he visited the vampire equivalent of a plastic surgeon?"

Laugh. "Close enough. There was more magic and fewer scalpels, but you get the idea. So there he is to this day, stuck with that wretched face and pathetic excuse for proper fangs. It's sad, really."

"Was, you mean. I staked him, remember?"

"Nah, he'll be back. He's like a bad penny. Anyway, he came to Los Angeles for a visit in the late twenties or so. He was too much into preserving his precious "mystery" to actually appear in movies, but he made his presence known. I think he and Lugosi were lovers."

"Gah! Seems almost...incestuous."

"I wouldn't be surprised if he hadn't been paying Anne Rice a visit or two a few decades later. He's pretty protective of his image. Anyway, he's the one who got that stupid Dracula tradition started, and ever since then the vampires in movies have tended to stick pretty closely to his image." Disgusted snort. "No self-respecting demon would ever pay that much attention to his appearance. There's something wrong with him. I think he rubbed off on Angel."

Delicate cough. "You're right. Because...dyed hair? Eyeliner? No proper vampire would ever bother with those."

Growls. "Oh, that's it..."

Giggles and dodges. "Wow, this is kinda cool. But does it bother you? I mean, seeing vampires that don't really look like you on TV?"

Puzzled frown. "Uh...no. Why should it?"

"Well, see, it's kinda like the way they portray women on TV. They show an unrealistic, digitally-altered image that only 1% of real women could ever naturally aspire to, and then the advertisers play on the latent insecurity that women feel over their appearance to sell them thousands of dollars worth of products to make them try to turn themselves into the type of false image that the male gaze is used to seeing!"

Slow blink. "I knew you going back to college was a mistake."

"Hey, you know what? I think I'm ready for tomorrow's test." Books slammed shut. Voice lowered, eyelashes batted. "So, you ready for your treat now? Last one up has to wear the handcuffs."

Erection returned. Fierce kisses shared. Remote finally unearthed and TV turned off. Exeunt Slayer and vampire

 


End file.
